Medical Madness
by Inui's bastard love-child
Summary: Chopper decides to give the crew of the Going Merry a physical. My first Fanfic. Rated T as I am unsure of the rating codes.


_I do not own 'One Piece,' as that wonderful anime/manga is owned by Eiichiro Oda and respective companies… Wahh not fair!_

_All flames will be well used this winter. (Beware the Pyromaniac!)_

**Medical Madness**

_By Inui's Bastard love Child_

Chopper groaned about his impending doom, as he looked around nervously.

He had to give the crew a physical, well he is a doctor.

"It is always better to deal with the problem, before it becomes one!" Dr Kuraha used to always.

So to be true to his teaching Chopper told everyone to make themselves available and of course only one at a time.

"Yatta!" a young male voice called out as a series of loud footsteps quickly made its way towards his door.

Chopper cringed as the door was almost thrown off its hinges as their straw hat wearing captain cam bounding in excitedly.

"I'm first, I'm first, I'm first…" he sang happily as he plonked himself on a seat in front of the Chopper.

Looking around Luffy was excitedly calling out. "Food, food, food!"

Luffy looked somewhat shocked. "Did someone come first already and eat all my food?"

"You don't eat food during a physical," Chopper explained to his rubber captain.

"No food!" Luffy exclaimed disbelievingly.

"No food," repeated Chopper seriously. "Now can you please take your shirt off, so I can check to see if you are healing okay?"

Pouting about the lack of food, Luffy took his shirt off.

Under the shirt was a bruise straight around his stomach and going around his back, just above the waist.

"Luffy this bruise…"began Chopper carefully. "Did you get caught by Sanji's trap again?"

"But I was hungry," explained Luffy, smiling like a lunatic.

"That's got to stop Luffy," Chopper moaned unhappily, thinking of Sanji's giant mousetrap.

"But I was really hungry!" Luffy laughed loudly.

Chopper gave that argument up as he started checking Luffy's pulse.

"I'm bored," whined Luffy breaking Chopper's concentration, as he attempted to count the beats per minute.

It took 5 goes before Chopper could finally take Luffy's pulse before another round of "I'm bored!" was uttered.

Turning around to get another medical instrument, Chopper suddenly heard a snore.

Quickly looking around at Luffy revealed a sleeping captain.

Groaning Chopper turned into his human form and moved the snoring Luffy over to his hammock on the other side of the room.

Shaking his head, Chopper moved to the door to call his next 'patient'.

Nami smiling wandered in.

"Hello Chopper," Nami smiled happily at the humanoid reindeer.

"Nami-san," Chopper smiled happily as he quickly resumed his chibi form.

It's great to finally have someone more sensible! Thought Chopper, after having dealt with their moronic captain.

Nami quickly sat down as Chopper began to examine her.

Half-way through the examination Chopper grinned. "Almost finished Nami, just a few more tests and we're done."

"Thanks Chopper," smiled Nami.

As Chopper finished taking Nami's blood pressure and was putting the instrument down, Nami spoke up.

"Maybe you should leave that on your person just in case Zoro needs it," she told the diminutive reindeer.

"Why?" Chopper asked confused.

"Well I sort of caught him in Sanji's kitchen," Nami said sweetly her tone full of mischief.

"Where they fighting again?" Chopper moaned.

"In a way," grinned Nami. "And if I organize this properly, I could get a good payout from this."

Chopper looked at Nami confusion clearly evident as his nose was blue.

Leaning down Nami whispered in Choppers ear.

Turning bright red, Chopper cringed and hid behind the nearest object.

"T.t.th.thank y.y.you Na.na.nami-san," stuttered Chopper. "Th.th.that's all f.f.for n.n.now."

"Why thank you Chopper-san," Nami smiled as she left happily.

Collapsing in a heap Chopper started to shake uncontrollably, as he attempted to regain his composure.

Somewhat later, Chopper had Robin come in for her check-up.

Which she passed, without a hassle or fuss. (Much to Chopper's delight.) The only problem being the fact that Luffy was still snoring loudly over in the corner.

As Robin left, a nervous Usopp came bounding in feigning happiness.

"Fear not," yelled Usopp. "I the great captain Usopp has arrived."

"Sit please," Chopper asked quietly, as he did not know how to act around the ships lying sharpshooter at times.

Usopp was now giggling and carrying on like a lunatic on laughing gas on the stool that Chopper had put down for his crew mates to sit on while he conducted their physicals.

His expression however was one of pure terror.

"J.j.just relax," Chopper stuttered. "I w.won't hurt y.yo.you."

"I don't know what you are talking about," crowed Usopp his hands on his hips, sweat drops clearly evident.

"Well let's start," Chopper announced bringing over a tray with an assortment of medical equipment.

Usopp quickly picked up a strange looking instrument that had two circles in the middle and another circle at one end. Plus it seemed like it was holding something long that almost looked like a giant version of a cotton bud.

"W.w.what's this?" stammered Usopp nervously.

Annoyed Chopper told him. "That is a 'Nasal Snare' which now needs to be sterilized again."(1)

"Nasal Snare!" repeated Usopp, his eyes wide open.

"That's right," Chopper replied slightly annoyed. "Because you keep on breaking your nose, I thought it would be a good idea to check it properly to make sure it is not too badly damaged."

Usopp dropped said instrument quickly. "I thought you said you won't hurt me!" Usopp spoke disbelievingly.

"No I won't hurt you," Chopper announced slightly agitated. "Now can you please sit down?"

Usopp started backing away. "Why?"

"So I can get this examination over with," Chopper replied to the sharpshooter.

"Examination!" shrieked Usopp. "I knew it!"

"Knew what?" a vexed Chopper asked.

"You where going to use me in some sort of weird experiment!" Usopp spoke, hysteria evident in his voice.

"What are you talking about?" asked Chopper as he took a step forward.

As he stepped towards his hysterical crewmate, Usopp yelled at the top of his voice as he proceeded to try and run away from the horned doctor.

"No I am not an experi…" Usopp was cut short as he ran head first into the door.

This in turn knocked him out cold.

Shaking his head Chopper quickly came over.

After using his medical knowledge, to quickly fix Usopp's nose. Which he had just broken. Usopp now looked like his head belonged to a mummy's.

Bringing out the smelling salts, Chopper waved it under the sharpshooter's nose for two reasons.

One was so that it would wake the long nosed man. The other reason was so that Chopper would know if Usopp could still smell things.

It worked well to Chopper delight, but alas some things just do not go to plan.

Waking up the first thing Usopp saw was a mirror.

And upon seeing said mirror the next thing Usopp saw was his bandaged head.

So that was all that was needed to send said person into a dead faint.

Rolling his eyes, Chopper moved Usopp over to the sleeping Luffy.

Chopper watched the two for a few seconds as Luffy turned over to give Usopp a quick hug as they both slept. A small puddle of drool was forming under Luffy.

Luffy however was also muttering in his sleep.

Leaning in to hear, Chopper couldn't stop blushing as he heard Luffy.

"Shanks-sama I love…," Luffy was muttering brokenly. "… more please."

Quickly Chopper strung up a few sheets to separate the sleepers from his work area, as he prepared for his next examination.

Poking his head out the door he spied Sanji, resting against the ships mast smoking… 'again'.

"Sanji-san," Chopper called out to the battle chef. "It's your turn now."

Quickly Chopper moved over to his self proclaimed workstation.

It had a chair there, which was where Sanji came in to sit down.

"Hello Sanji-san," Chopper said happily.

"Can we get this over with quickly?" Sanji asked. "I have to get back to my kitchen soon before you-know-who gets hungry."

"Well the main thing I want to check is your eyesight and I want to check your lungs as well because of your smoking," Chopper told the chef. "I should do more tests because of your smoking, but I just don't have the equipment needed to do so."

"Smoking is not that bad," Sanji told the diminutive reindeer.

Chopper fixed the cook with an annoyed gaze. "Smoking is one of the worst things you can do with your body. It rates about as stupid as body branding as an art form." (2)

Sanji shrugged it off as Chopper started to check his airways.

After about 30 minutes Chopper was satisfied Sanji's health, smoking wise, was okay. (Until he could find some better equipment.)

Sanji was then asked to read from a sight chart using his right eye.

Happy that eye could still see alright, Chopper some eye drops in that eye.

These eye drops widened the pupils so that Chopper could see inside Sanji's eye with a good looking glass.

Satisfied that eye was okay, Chopper then peeled back the hair over Sanji's left eye reveling the cook's bad eye.

The eye was cloudy and it was hard to see the colour of the eye due to the cataracts. (3)

Around the eye, the whites had a redness to them and the surrounding skin looked an angry reddish colour.

"You have been rubbing that eye, have you not?" Chopper asked the chef.

"Well it's itchy," Sanji explained. "And it's not like I use it anyway."

"Sanji, if it's itchy next time tell me," Chopper said slightly annoyed.

"But why bother anyway?" Sanji replied uncaringly.

"Because if left untreated it will become so infected that it would drive you even more up the wall than Luffy ever could in a years worth of kitchen raids," Chopper explained patiently. "I know that you cannot see out of that eye, but can you at least see me the next time it's sore or itchy?"

As Chopper put a cream around the eye and some eye drops in Sanji's remained quiet.

"Okay," Chopper told the chef. "That should do for now."

"Thanks," Sanji smiled as he pulled his hair back over his bad eye.

Standing up Sanji started to walk away casually. Looking back at the reindeer doctor he spoke. "Dinner will be ready in an hour.

Before Chopper could speak, there was some hurried rustling behind the makeshift barrier as Luffy came bounding out.

"Did someone say dinner?" their captain asked quickly.

"I said it would be ready in an hour," Sanji explained.

"Yay!" Luffy cheered as he followed him out of the room. "I want meat! In my dream Shank's said I could eat as much as I…"

The rest of Luffy's rant about food was cut off as the door shut behind them leaving a now understanding Chopper as to what Luffy's unconscious ramblings was about.

Some what happy Chopper finally realized that he now had only one crew member left to deal with.

The master swordsman, Zoro.

Zoro always annoyed the reindeer doctor. Especially when it concerned the fact that Zoro always 'had' to train.

Injured or not.

Already familiar with the swordsman's health Chopper decided to only deal with the swordsman's current injuries.

So it was that when Zoro calmly walked in, that Chopper pulled over his ready supply of spare bandages and an empty bucket ready for him to start re-bandaging Zoro.

As Zoro sat down, Chopper noticed that Zoro seemed to be a bit… on the annoyed side. What with his eye's twitching a fair bit.

"Are you okay?" asked Chopper.

"It's nothing, can we just get this over and done with," Zoro snapped at the Doctor.

"Oh!" Chopper replied after a moment. "I know what it is now."

Zoro's face took on a darker look to it, but the swordsman remained quiet.

"You've got Nami blackmailing you again, am I right?" guessed Chopper.

Zoro started to glare at the side of the ship as if he was wishing he could drill holes in it with his staring alone.

Chopper then knew he was right.

As the reindeer finished re-wrapping Zoro's bandages he noticed that Zoro was fidgeting, as the green haired swordsman tried to think of a way out of Nami's blackmailing plot.

"Perhaps you should try and stop fighting with Sanji when you go and talk to him," suggested Chopper.

Zoro just stared even more attentively at the wall, which made Chopper start to panic a little bit as to Zoro's mental health.

"You finished," Zoro growled.

"Y.y.yes," Chopper stammered with a slight tremor to his voice. "W.w.why?"

Zoro only stood up quickly and grabbed his trio of swords.

"Thank you Chopper," Zoro told the reindeer Doctor.

And with that, Chopper quickly collapsed into a heap, exhausted.

His head resting on the floor, the reindeer groaned.

"Never again! Never ever am I doing this again!" Chopper spoke reverently.

As he fell asleep, Chopper groaned softly as he knew that deep down he would put himself through this again.

And in some small way, Chopper was once again in a slightly happy mood to know that his friends where all unique in their own WARPED way.

(1) A 'Nasal Snare' is a very real thing. I have not seen one yet, but there is a really good picture of one in my Nurses Dictionary. (But if any medicos read this and they are a little put off with my description of said instrument please say so because lets face it how else am I going to find out!)

(2) I am not sure how many children are reading this but let me just write this as a warning. It is not a good thing to witness when you see people dying from lung cancer and other smoking related illnesses. And in my nursing home I have seen some very bad ways to go from smoking related problems. So to put it bluntly, don't smoke as it is bad for your health. Plus body branding can send people who are stupid enough to try it into a type of burn related shock, because lets face it, it is the equivalent of third degree burns. (That should be enough for my rant.)

(3) **Cataract** – Opacity of the crystalline lens of the eye causing blindness. It may be congenital, senile or due to diabetes. (For this story I have made it **congenital** which means… Applied to conditions at or before birth.)

Well there we have it. My first Fanfic. Enjoy.


End file.
